Zombie Apocalypse Wedding Vows

So recently we’ve been watching The Walking Dead which is basically a zombie apocalypse TV series, but unlike the zombies in Left 4 Dead 1 & 2 (which Jet bought for me for Halloween!! woot but i can’t play cause I don’t have a decent comp set up yet.. long story, don’t ask), the zombies in this series then to be rather slow-moving ones. Having watched several zombie flicks together.. including personal favourites like 28 days later and 28 weeks late and of course ZOMBIELAND!!! (hur hur hur), we’re also constantly yelling at the characters in this TV series who don’t seem to know the general rules of surviving a zombie apocalypse, such as wasting bullets, aiming for heads, letting the bitten ‘live’ etc.  At moments like these, Jet and I always look at each other and say don’t worry, I promise to kill you if you get bitten by a zombie.  Yes I think this is as close as it gets for the au-chews as far as romantic gestures go. The more we watched, the more silly mistakes these characters made, the longer our list of promises got till it started to sound almost like wedding vows.  So here it is, ladies and gents wedding vows if you got married in a zombie apocalypse!

With this ring I thee wed,

To have and to hold

To never waste ammo

To always stick by your side and never split up,

To always cover each other, in all zombie attacks

I promise to aim for the heads, never other body parts

To always kill the infected, no matter who they are

And most of all, I promise to chop off your head swiftly if you get bitten by one of them.

We’ve also decided that melee weapons were the best choice of weapons compared to guns if you get swarmed by zombies, but we also know that Jet can’t seem to use them (we know this from L4D2), our defence positions would be me in front and him behind in the case of a zombie swarm attack.  We also decided that one of the best weapons was still the cross-bow, keeps a good distance, and reusable arrows! Unfortunately Jet does not think we need to buy one for our future place. BOO. I kept telling him what  if we get attacked by zombies!  Then i started looking around our current surroundings, and realised we were really poorly equipped to survive a zombie attack.  Unlike the youths at downtown east, we don’t have parangs and obviously we don’t have any guns.  And Jet’s already put his foot down on a cross-bow, so the only thing we will have is make shift molotov cocktails from the many bottles of alcohol we have.   What would you use to survive a zombie apocalypse?


8 Comments on “Zombie Apocalypse Wedding Vows”

  1. Colleen Marie says:

    My roommate’s electric can opener broke, so she had to learn to use my manual one. She said she’d never have a need for this, and I mentioned the zombie apocalypse.

    She was SHOCKED to find out that there would be no electricity during the apocalypse. Puh-lease, all the people who work at the power plant will be home, with guns, and manual can openers. Silly girl.

  2. marajaded says:

    HAHAHHAHA yeah.. and learning to open cans would be very impt in a zombie apocalypse..

  3. May I use these, or a version thereof, in a wedding I am officiating on Saturday?

  4. marajaded says:

    Hi Christopher,

    sure! go for it. Can i request that you send me videos / photos of said wedding?

    • The modified vows went something like this:

      Welcome all – family, friends, and guests – living, dead, and undead – to this beautiful cabin in the woods. Tonight, we are honored to celebrate the wedding of [Bride] and [Groom].
      Now, a reading from the Book of the Dead:
      Eah yah Cthulhu fathagan. Cough. Sorry. Wrong ceremony.
      Marriage is a sacred and magical bond between two people, standing together forever against whatever may come.
      (To couple) You two must be prepared for anything – good times and bad, sickness and health, bad puns, and the ever increasing threat of zombie attacks.
      Now, [Bride], [Groom], please take each others hands-without cutting them off! Save that for the honeymoon- and repeat after me:
      I promise
      To have and to hold
      To endeavor to always stay Groovy
      To never read aloud from ancient manuscripts
      To always cover each other in all zombie attacks
      To always use power tools wisely
      To never waste ammunition
      To aim for the heads and not other body pats
      To always kill the infected no matter which of our friends or family they once were
      And, most of all, I promise to quickly chop off your head of you get bitten.
      [To Groom], do you take [Bride] as your wife in life, death, and undeath?
      [To Bride], do you take [Groom] as your husband in life, death, and undeath?
      Then, by the power vested in me by S – Mart, I pronounce you husband and wife
      [To Bride] Hail to the king.
      [To Groom] giver her some sugar, baby
      Ladies, gentlemen, and deadites, please stand and give a round of applause for [Groom] and [Bride] [Last Name].

      best place for pics is on the facebook page for Evil Dead the Musical in Las Vegas. The date as 5/11/14. I’m gonna save some pics and wil ltry to post them here. There is supposed to be video, but i havent seen it

  5. Jessica says:

    Is it alright if I modify and use some of this for my upcoming Halloween/Zombie wedding? Thanks in advance!

  6. Budd Kuyper says:

    I would also like permission to use you script nearly as is in a zombie wedding that I am officiating on Tuesday. Also Christopher Kindred, I would like permission to use a couple pieces from yours as well.

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